Thursday, April 21, 2011

~With a Blink of an Eye~

I am in deep concentration as the woman, who's hair I'm braiding, is sitting with a serious 
lean to the left.  I am strategic in how I pull and tug the strands to get them to lay in 
a neat row down the center of her scalp.

"Can I tell you about my dream last night?" she says, quick to retract her statement.  
"Perhaps it wasn't from last night...or even this week really, I can't remember."

"Sure," I say, fumbling with the brush to tackle some tangles.

"My dream was that I was sitting in a chair and you were on my lap, and Ella was on your lap, and Paige was on her's.  I looked up and all of a sudden there was a whole 
line of children, waiting to be held.  I kinda felt like Santa Claus."

Strange, I thought.  As I am finishing up the intricate part of my work, I'm glad to only have a few quick twists left.  When finished, I casually reach for a rubber band.

She continues...

"Remember when I used to hold you like a little baby??"  With a chuckle she adds, 

"I mean, EVEN as a middle schooler??" 
"I think my dream was really about wanting to hold you like that again."

I stop, stunned and paralyzed. My mind starts whirling....

There's that photo I have in my "School Life and Memories" 
album in the storage bin labeled "Old Photos."  
It must have been from the summer of 1991....or 92.  
How old was I then?  
I always cherished those moments....

"Time for A Snack," my grandmother says.  

Just like that, the silence is broken, and life goes on.  

The universe has a funny way of presenting us with exactly what we need at a time we least expect. 
The planets align is such a way that a moment is created in which, we can either cloud our brains with details and when's and where's, OR allow ourselves the opportunity to be right there ready to say exactly what we've practiced in repetition a million times.  A slight hesitation, and the moment passes and a sense of disbelief follows that what just happened couldn't have ACTUALLY happened. 

Could it?

Dear Mom,

I have waited patiently for two decades for you to say such a sweet thing to me.  I remember the days that we would sit in the recliner, and I would listen to your heart beat.  In times of separation I often wished I had the opportunity to enjoy your loving affection.  They are my most precious times as a child.  See mom, I even have a treasured picture to share.... 

I apologize that I wasn't able to share this with you the other day.   

With Love and Compassion,


Growing up, I watched my mother ravage her body living a "Rockstar" lifestyle.  Forty plus years of excessive amounts of opiates and booze has left her now in her mid fifties living with, and slowly dying from, chronic health issues as a result. With her liver unable to filter toxins from her blood, she has permanent brain damage and is unable to care for herself.  Although incredibly painful to see the suffering she endures, I have found the courage to visit her whenever time allows.  Conversation is usually dominated by memories from her past.  I can't imagine looking to the future has much relevance.  She has a shrine of photos from throughout her life, and I am sending this one to her because I know it will bring her so much joy. 

It is a constant reminder why taking care of my body and putting my health number one on my long list of to-do's is so important.  It's been easy for me to know what I don't want to be like later in life.  There are always consequences to the choices we make now, there is always a price to pay.  It is my mission to inspire my children to know what you can be and do through a positive and conscious example.

This is why I run


  1. I understand - thanks for sharing!

  2. Thank you for writing this. (((HUG)))

  3. We've spoke about this... and I can only imagine how I would have felt in your place. You are doing the best you can with all you've gone through and I'm glad you were able to have that moment. Love you!

  4. This is such a courageous thing to post. I'm so glad you had that moment.

  5. @Morgan...Thank you for encouraging me to send it :)
    @Everyone else, thank you for reading and your kind words. It was definitely a moment I'll never forget!!